So, Sunday, February 28th, I'm doing something completely crazy. I'm going to climb all 1, 035 steps to the top of the damn building. Why? I needed something to break the black cloud on top of my head. I needed something that was more immediate then my walk next August. I had one of the most crushing weigh ins today at Weight Watchers. I was eating to deal with my grief all week... So after Weight Watchers I went shopping for all good foods, and so now that I have the right stuff in my fridge and a reason to excercise.... well see how this works. What's the point of screwing up if you can't learn from it?
http://ala.convio.net/goto/kfox
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sue
I lost one of my best friends last week. It was a tradition that my mother and I came Christmas Eve and New Years Eve and hung out/ got drunk her and some of her old lady friends. I show up to the nursing home Christmas Eve, and turns out Sue died two weeks ago... yeah, it sort of ruined any Christmas spirit I had in my body. She was a beautiful lady who died at 61. She was in a nursing home the last 10 plus years of her life. MS made her a quadralpelegic, a prisoner in her own body. I met her when I was 14, a freshman in high school. In my high school we had to do service hours, 40 of them, but I was just in a hurry to get out of my house... any excuse would do. I taught her how to use her computer, but it was more then that. Every week, some weeks more I would come and visit. She had a special headset that let her control the mouse and even let her type. It's sort of funny how I have met certain people that have had more impact on my life then any real member of my family ever has. Sue was one of those people.
Sue didn't let the world crush her, even when it should have. Her husband put her in the nursing home. Her husband of 25 years put her in a nursing home. Her husband of 25 years put her in the nursing home, promptly divorced her, never saw her again and then married her best friend. Yet she still trusted me... I regret I have not visited her a lot these last few years. It makes me very sad. I just need to remember all the lessons she taught me, how beautiful her attitude was despite her circumstances. She still loved life, still played bingo every chance she could at the nursing home, still loved her grandchildren whenever her sons got around to bringing them (not often enough at all). She taught me what little I know about boys, and listened when I told her about all the crap that was going on in my life. She went on despite all the crap, and so can I ..... She was there for me when nobody else was.... I will miss her. I will always remember the important role she played in my life, and that I can go on, no matter what happens.
Sue didn't let the world crush her, even when it should have. Her husband put her in the nursing home. Her husband of 25 years put her in a nursing home. Her husband of 25 years put her in the nursing home, promptly divorced her, never saw her again and then married her best friend. Yet she still trusted me... I regret I have not visited her a lot these last few years. It makes me very sad. I just need to remember all the lessons she taught me, how beautiful her attitude was despite her circumstances. She still loved life, still played bingo every chance she could at the nursing home, still loved her grandchildren whenever her sons got around to bringing them (not often enough at all). She taught me what little I know about boys, and listened when I told her about all the crap that was going on in my life. She went on despite all the crap, and so can I ..... She was there for me when nobody else was.... I will miss her. I will always remember the important role she played in my life, and that I can go on, no matter what happens.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Lost in Development
Now I weigh 169 pounds.
It's sort of unbelievable. I asked the lady to check it again. I needed one pound to get under 50 pounds lost since a friend's barbecue in May, and turns out I worked so hard I lost 4 pounds, 6 ounces. Also part of it was my body sort of owed me a big one, and it gave me it.
So, here I am now, sitting on my friend's laptop once again, thinking how my life is so different. I cleaned my apartment today before coming here. I mean, I threw AMAZING AMOUNTS OF CRAP away. As I am looking through every single paper from my undergraduate career, I realize, I didn't know anything. I really didn't, and maybe I still don't. I had no perspective on what it's really like. Life never slows down. I guess I assumed it did. My half sister still doesn't know when my father's memorial get together will be, she said today, sometime in December. Whatever.
Meanwhile.... Last weekend I spent too much money out with a friend because I was upset and frustrated and sad and depressed. Anyway, not so much that I can't eat, but too much for somebody needs a computer to function... and currently doesn't own her own computer.
Anyway, I work with a little girl who I have definitely bonded with. Her family doesn't have anything. I happen to know this little girl loves barbies, but has never owned one of her very own, and with her family the way it is, this is not likely to change soon. So, I decided a few weeks ago to get her a barbie for Christmas, but I have no idea (how) I am going to slip it to her (I'll figure this out)...
It's sort of a tradition for my mom and I to go out black Friday, even to gawk at the crazy people. This black Friday I told my mom to make sure I didn't spend more then $20, but then, it happened. I'm going down the Target isle, and there it is. A huge barbie set with furniture and accessories and a barbie doll. It's $30, retails at $60, and of course, I had to have it for this girl. Then it's in my cart, and I feel guilty because I don't have the money. but I had this feeling that this was meant to be, and I was supposed to do this, because well, even if you don't have a lot, if there is someone that needs it, you give it.
Long story short, later on I'm cleaning, I open a piece of paper, and out falls 3 crisp $20 dollar bills. Out of nowhere.
Here I am, in the B section... maybe B for blahs, hoping if I give up wanting to get back to A... then it will happen, eventually.
It's sort of unbelievable. I asked the lady to check it again. I needed one pound to get under 50 pounds lost since a friend's barbecue in May, and turns out I worked so hard I lost 4 pounds, 6 ounces. Also part of it was my body sort of owed me a big one, and it gave me it.
So, here I am now, sitting on my friend's laptop once again, thinking how my life is so different. I cleaned my apartment today before coming here. I mean, I threw AMAZING AMOUNTS OF CRAP away. As I am looking through every single paper from my undergraduate career, I realize, I didn't know anything. I really didn't, and maybe I still don't. I had no perspective on what it's really like. Life never slows down. I guess I assumed it did. My half sister still doesn't know when my father's memorial get together will be, she said today, sometime in December. Whatever.
Meanwhile.... Last weekend I spent too much money out with a friend because I was upset and frustrated and sad and depressed. Anyway, not so much that I can't eat, but too much for somebody needs a computer to function... and currently doesn't own her own computer.
Anyway, I work with a little girl who I have definitely bonded with. Her family doesn't have anything. I happen to know this little girl loves barbies, but has never owned one of her very own, and with her family the way it is, this is not likely to change soon. So, I decided a few weeks ago to get her a barbie for Christmas, but I have no idea (how) I am going to slip it to her (I'll figure this out)...
It's sort of a tradition for my mom and I to go out black Friday, even to gawk at the crazy people. This black Friday I told my mom to make sure I didn't spend more then $20, but then, it happened. I'm going down the Target isle, and there it is. A huge barbie set with furniture and accessories and a barbie doll. It's $30, retails at $60, and of course, I had to have it for this girl. Then it's in my cart, and I feel guilty because I don't have the money. but I had this feeling that this was meant to be, and I was supposed to do this, because well, even if you don't have a lot, if there is someone that needs it, you give it.
Long story short, later on I'm cleaning, I open a piece of paper, and out falls 3 crisp $20 dollar bills. Out of nowhere.
Here I am, in the B section... maybe B for blahs, hoping if I give up wanting to get back to A... then it will happen, eventually.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Breakfast Food
So, I haven't written in awhile... life has changed in a bunch of ways since my last post, I suppose most of the time since I last wrote has been spent just trying to keep up. Anyway, I have decided with the advice of a really smart person to start a different blog about being a music teacher. I don't exactly know where it will be, but I'm sure I'll post the location of it here. So, back to why I started this blog... weight.
Last Tuesday I weighed in at 176 even. I remember weighing somewhere around this when I was in middle school. I certainly don't remember this as a grown woman- and how to be this weight. Who am I? What choices will I make? Who will I decide to be around? Who's advice is really important? Who's worth my time? Who really isn't? Recently I've become quite fond of simply walking up stairs. I've spent the last ten years of my life walking up a flight and having to stop- being so winded it felt like somebody had just spun me around, not to mention the splitting headache.
Which brings me to a problem I never thought I would have. Motivation. It's easy to preach that weight loss is about bringing about permanent changes in your life. I drink all diet pop. I eat all weight watchers ice cream. I eat cereal, not doughnuts. You are the fuel you put in your body... but I have had trouble as new challenges face me I haven't thought through in my head. It's hard to keep the motivation sometimes on a daily basis... sometimes you'll find me with the proverbial angel and devil on my shoulders. "That doughnut will not put the 47 pounds back on... it's ok..." and of course the 'angel' sits there shamming me... "You wanna be overweight and unhappy don't you, you idiot...." (My angel has been known to swear at me as well).
So of course this week my problem came to a head. Last Tuesday I attended a conference for charter schools. While most conferences don't provide good food they certainly provide lots of it. In the morning I go into the main conference room with all the exhibitors and the free breakfast- and of course, there it is... the breakfast buffet. I've never been a breakfast eater until I joined Weight Watchers and needed to eat more then one meal a day. Before Weight Watchers whenever I did eat breakfast- it was all kinds of crappyness. Danishes, doughnuts, pop tarts, anything with sugar to start my day... and of course, this breakfast buffet was a sugar lover's paradise... and I think, "You can eat this danish, it's not even full size... have some juice, it will be ok." Quite literally it's like... you can have just a little of that drug and you will feel better. Even though I know better- and I know that sugar is a drug. The chemical composition of sugar makes you crave more sugar. I ended up eating so much that day at the conference. It was to the point I felt sick. It certainly was way past the point of being full. Conferences make me extremely uneasy because I get bored, I get awkward in new social situations and I eat to not have to talk to people. The conference keynote speaker bored me to death... cliche after cliche.... eventually I made one of my colleagues move the rolls because during when the lady was speaking I had eaten three or so. On the way home, I was so sick on the bus, partially the food, partially the bus, I got sick. Physically ill. Of course, that night was weight watchers, and the whole day I'm thinking I've done this to myself. What is wrong with me that I don't value my body enough to feed it correctly? I know better.
So, my leader at weight watchers always asks for comments/ questions, and I bring this up. My complete and total lack of motivation. SELF SABOTAGE- and of course, because she is amazing she explains to me all of the following:
1- While I am not officially on weight maintenance I am certainly closer. My new body is so new it makes me happy enough. I don't have the external motivation as much and so losing doesn't seem as pressing. Weight loss and weight maintenance are two different animals.
2- Part of it is the season. The weather gets colder and 'special foods' that have the falsehood that you can only have them at this time of year abound.
3- She offered to check my log every week, and really make me accountable. I haven't logged in a number of months. I was under the falsehood I could keep track of my points in my head, but what I have learned logging for these few days is while I generally stay under points, my nutrition is bad. You're supposed to check boxes when you eat fruits/ veggies, etc., and I am not filling out my boxes. Period. I also eat a lot of things and forget that these have points to. An example? A peppermint. I get lazy and guess on points, and when I really figured them out this week... I was guessing under almost every single time.
4- She told us to find our own motivation. A number goal, an exercise goal, etc. She gave a goal to everybody if we lose 5 pounds by Dec. 1 we'll get a coupon for a free meeting. Money is a really big motivator to me right now. So, this is my new goal. 5 pounds by Dec. 1st. That will put me at 171, and 52 pounds gone forever.
So, giving my tracker to my leader, at least for the next few weeks will make me accountable. I must take care of myself. It was very scary to temporary lose control over my weight loss. I feel like it is the one thing I have had control over, when the rest of my world seems to be shaking me to my core. Hopefully following through on this will give me the strength I need to follow through on a million other things... only time will tell.
Last Tuesday I weighed in at 176 even. I remember weighing somewhere around this when I was in middle school. I certainly don't remember this as a grown woman- and how to be this weight. Who am I? What choices will I make? Who will I decide to be around? Who's advice is really important? Who's worth my time? Who really isn't? Recently I've become quite fond of simply walking up stairs. I've spent the last ten years of my life walking up a flight and having to stop- being so winded it felt like somebody had just spun me around, not to mention the splitting headache.
Which brings me to a problem I never thought I would have. Motivation. It's easy to preach that weight loss is about bringing about permanent changes in your life. I drink all diet pop. I eat all weight watchers ice cream. I eat cereal, not doughnuts. You are the fuel you put in your body... but I have had trouble as new challenges face me I haven't thought through in my head. It's hard to keep the motivation sometimes on a daily basis... sometimes you'll find me with the proverbial angel and devil on my shoulders. "That doughnut will not put the 47 pounds back on... it's ok..." and of course the 'angel' sits there shamming me... "You wanna be overweight and unhappy don't you, you idiot...." (My angel has been known to swear at me as well).
So of course this week my problem came to a head. Last Tuesday I attended a conference for charter schools. While most conferences don't provide good food they certainly provide lots of it. In the morning I go into the main conference room with all the exhibitors and the free breakfast- and of course, there it is... the breakfast buffet. I've never been a breakfast eater until I joined Weight Watchers and needed to eat more then one meal a day. Before Weight Watchers whenever I did eat breakfast- it was all kinds of crappyness. Danishes, doughnuts, pop tarts, anything with sugar to start my day... and of course, this breakfast buffet was a sugar lover's paradise... and I think, "You can eat this danish, it's not even full size... have some juice, it will be ok." Quite literally it's like... you can have just a little of that drug and you will feel better. Even though I know better- and I know that sugar is a drug. The chemical composition of sugar makes you crave more sugar. I ended up eating so much that day at the conference. It was to the point I felt sick. It certainly was way past the point of being full. Conferences make me extremely uneasy because I get bored, I get awkward in new social situations and I eat to not have to talk to people. The conference keynote speaker bored me to death... cliche after cliche.... eventually I made one of my colleagues move the rolls because during when the lady was speaking I had eaten three or so. On the way home, I was so sick on the bus, partially the food, partially the bus, I got sick. Physically ill. Of course, that night was weight watchers, and the whole day I'm thinking I've done this to myself. What is wrong with me that I don't value my body enough to feed it correctly? I know better.
So, my leader at weight watchers always asks for comments/ questions, and I bring this up. My complete and total lack of motivation. SELF SABOTAGE- and of course, because she is amazing she explains to me all of the following:
1- While I am not officially on weight maintenance I am certainly closer. My new body is so new it makes me happy enough. I don't have the external motivation as much and so losing doesn't seem as pressing. Weight loss and weight maintenance are two different animals.
2- Part of it is the season. The weather gets colder and 'special foods' that have the falsehood that you can only have them at this time of year abound.
3- She offered to check my log every week, and really make me accountable. I haven't logged in a number of months. I was under the falsehood I could keep track of my points in my head, but what I have learned logging for these few days is while I generally stay under points, my nutrition is bad. You're supposed to check boxes when you eat fruits/ veggies, etc., and I am not filling out my boxes. Period. I also eat a lot of things and forget that these have points to. An example? A peppermint. I get lazy and guess on points, and when I really figured them out this week... I was guessing under almost every single time.
4- She told us to find our own motivation. A number goal, an exercise goal, etc. She gave a goal to everybody if we lose 5 pounds by Dec. 1 we'll get a coupon for a free meeting. Money is a really big motivator to me right now. So, this is my new goal. 5 pounds by Dec. 1st. That will put me at 171, and 52 pounds gone forever.
So, giving my tracker to my leader, at least for the next few weeks will make me accountable. I must take care of myself. It was very scary to temporary lose control over my weight loss. I feel like it is the one thing I have had control over, when the rest of my world seems to be shaking me to my core. Hopefully following through on this will give me the strength I need to follow through on a million other things... only time will tell.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Mr. E Killed His Bee
So it turns out teachers are a gossipy brood. I knew this, but I didn't care until today when I turned out to be an object of one of the rumors. About three teachers stopped by my room and asked how I felt about moving my room. I said, "I don't know what you're talking about" until the third person, and then, I have to admit, I started to freak out a bit. I teach music, and I have a lot of stuff. Moving this lot of stuff would be outrageous, but do-able, it's just the fact that my room is starting to look like somebody learns something there, not to mention my office is starting to look like an adult works there. Anyway, I freak out on Mr. E during naptime and he tells me what I know, teachers are a gossipy brood, but of course this does little to soothe my worry, and I go on my co- teaching way. Then, of course, after Mr. E distracts me with his whole saga~ he had been chasing this bee in his class all week, he finally got it today and proceeded to turn it into a science experiment~ my principal finally steps out of his ages long meeting and tells me he had stuck up for me and my need for my room, and that, teachers are a gossipy brood...
The other rumour going around my school? A second grader has swine flu. Yes, for a brief shining moment, I was as important as swine flu. At least Mr. E got his bee.
oh yeah, and the double windsor is crispy!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Currently
I weigh in every Tuesday. This Tuesday I weighed in at 185, which is just crazy. The last time I was 185 I was a sophomore in high school. Last Memorial Day I weighed myself before going to a friend's BBQ, realized I weighed 223, and vowed this will change.
I think a lot about my walk this summer. I feel so indescribably changed by it. I walked the Breast Cancer 3- Day, and I feel like I started one person and came out completely different. I'm more at peace with my life, though I know there is still a lot I want to change. What's weird is I feel different without even knowing why or how. Mostly it's just feeling older, wiser. I feel like I don't know who I am, but finally I've realized I'm worth enough to figure it out. This blog will help me to do so.
I think a lot about my walk this summer. I feel so indescribably changed by it. I walked the Breast Cancer 3- Day, and I feel like I started one person and came out completely different. I'm more at peace with my life, though I know there is still a lot I want to change. What's weird is I feel different without even knowing why or how. Mostly it's just feeling older, wiser. I feel like I don't know who I am, but finally I've realized I'm worth enough to figure it out. This blog will help me to do so.
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